Thank you, Cephalonia Brochbach, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got caught in a red shift and had to return to sub-hyperspace speeds in order to…uhh…not that we were playing Star Blap Online while we were supposed to be working. No. That would be wrong. We got caught in a red shift at…our desks. Yeah. We were working so fast, we had achieved hyperspace. At our desks. It’s a scientific breakthrough! But, do you think we’ll be able to avoid disciplinary action? Maybe when we win a Nobel Prize for Office Efficiency…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Please Do Not Feed The Egos
According to a new study by researchers at three Canadian universities, one of the most important signs of corporate fraud is the extent to which the company’s CEO is lauded in the media or by stock analysts. They call this the “Ego Index.” Ego is measured in Conrad Blacks (CBs).
The average CEO has an EI of approximately 27 CBs; anything less, and he would cower in his corner office and send incomprehensible directives to senior staff. AN EI of over 43 should be cause for shareholder concern; if a CEO has an EI greater than 88, the board of directors should buy out his contract before he annexes Poland.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=43ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a212]
Or, For That Matter, What They Will Store It In When It’s Not On Display
Christie’s in New York has announced that it expects a bronze sculpture of a cardboard box to fetch US$30,000 when it is auctioned next month. No word on what it will be shipped to the winning bidder in.
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9313]
It’s Turning Out To Be A Mythical Lost Franchise
Is the National Hockey League willing to allow the Phoenix Coyotes to relocate to a different city? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…yes. Maybe. It depends.
“If a potential buyer wishing to keep the team in Glendale cannot be found, [we will be] conducting an organized process to relocate the franchise in another territory,” the league stated in a bid before an Arizona bankruptcy court.
“The moon is an exciting franchise possibility for us,” the statement continued, “differences in gravity notwithstanding. We have consulted with the rules committee, and they are confident that they can accommodate such differences. We are also considering the possibility of moving the team to Atlantis, assuming a suitable venue can be found.”
Shaking his head in sadness, Jim Balsillie, the Research in Motion billionaire who has offered to buy the team and relocate it to Hamilton, stated, “Atlantis must have made a lot of tax concessions to get the league’s interest. I’ll keep pushing my offer to buy the team, but I’m not sure if I can compete with a mythical lost city.”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#562345133699]
Isn’t Your Country Fighting A War Against That Noun?
“I am a proud right-wing terrorist.”
– Bert Stead at a town hall meeting
“Amen. God bless you. There is a great American.”
– Republican Congressman Wally Herger to Bert Stead
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
I See Dead Careers
GOOD NEWS: Through judicious application of tax credits, Toronto has won a major film production away from Philadelphia. BAD NEWS: It’s Devil, the latest from M. Night Shymalan.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
He Had The Mark Of McCain On Him
INT. DIMLY LIT WASHINGTON BAR – NIGHT
CHUCK GRASSLEY: It’s a shame about the passing of Ted Kennedy.
JOHN MCCAIN: He was a great Senator.
GRASSLEY: Somebody you could negotiate with. Not like the current crop of ultra-liberal socialist extremist Nazi bastards.
MCCAIN: Ted was somebody who knew when to compromise his ideals to get a bill passed – he knew what bipartisanship was really all about.
GRASSLEY: When you think about it, you could barely consider him a liberal.
MCCAIN: He was maybe just a bit center-left.
GRASSLEY: Or, just center.
MCCAIN: I remember him as being…center-right…
GRASSLEY: That’s right! He was actually a conservative. You know, he – he was really one of us.
MCCAIN: A hell of a guy, Ted Kennedy.
GRASSLEY: Hell of a guy.
MCCAIN: So, to hell with health care reform.
GRASSLEY: Oh, yeah. It wasn’t what Ted would have wanted…
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227222]
You Know It’s Dubious If Even Larry Flynt Won’t Buy It
Lawyers for Archie Andrews deny that a sex tape currently circulating on the Internet shows him and his wife Veronica on their wedding night.
“Those could be any cartoon characters,” lawyer Phil Fetanga commented, noting that the grainy black and white video wasn’t very clear. “Besides, my client couldn’t do…what is depicted on the video owing to a back injury he incurred horsing around with Moose two months ago in comic book time or 23 years ago in real time.”
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,19536,1082449,00.html]
Don’t Try This At Home…
Or At The Park…
Or Driving Your Kid To School…
Or…
I can put my computer to sleep – why can’t I do it for my kids?
I tried putting a little wine on their lips. That just made the little bastards hyper. So, I tried whiskey. Boy, that shut them up real fast.
SOURCE: Bad, Mommy, Bad
[http:suzi.badmommy.blogspeck.com]
The Buck Stops (Dead) With Him
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has pulled a Cheney, declaring himself the best person to oversee Canada’s financial system.
Mattress sales skyrocketed.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=94ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a582]
Beckett Down The Crapper
Estragon
Vladimir
Pozzo
Lucky
a boy
A public washroom. A stall.
Night.
Estragon, sitting on a toilet seat, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, panting.
He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.
As before.
Enter Lawyer.
ESTRAGON: Nothing to be –
LAWYER: The estate of Samuel Beckett wishes it to be known that you do not have its permission to perform the play Waiting for Godot in a public washroom as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. You are to immediately cease and desist from such a performance forthwith. If you refuse this legal estoppage and continue with the play, you will be opening yourself up to some harsh legal action. Some very harsh legal action, indeed.
ESTAGON: – done.
CURTAIN.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382860234705379463748648263272cahs01.html]